Loved

He introduced me to the concept of hard work, hunting, fishing, ax throwing, boating, horseback riding and only shook his head when my interests stayed firmly rooted in ballet and theater.

And he didn't love it-- but he showed up. He left his hunting trip and drove miles to get to my 8-year-old pageant just in time to see my talent routine (ballet, of course). He came to my sporting events in high school and dropped me off at rodeo camp with the assurance that I would figure it out.

Action is his love language and so he showed me his love day in and day out. But he was never afraid to tell me-- tell he loved me, tell me I was his little princess, tell me I could do anything I wanted.

He was a bit exasperated by my dreams to live in DC and other countries but he bought plane tickets and called me to make sure I was okay. He taught me about money and how to fly fish. He was my wedding fairytale godmother in a way-- using his talents to create the day we envisioned. He's volunteered to watch Ryan's kids on numerous occasions, he shows up with pizzas in the shape of a pumpkin on Halloween, he gives our littles love without agenda.

 

He gave me the world and then he gave me away to Ryan.

      Photo by Abby Littleton :)

And I love watching my husband parent his children. He is a sweet balance of compassion, structure, love and fun.

He is the patient one who can spend hours with the littles after school assisting with homework and the labor intensive process that is teaching a child to read.

He is the fun parent who plays baseball in the park until the twilight creeps in and we can no longer see.

He is the stern parent who lectures if poor grades are brought home or mean words are spoken.

He is the consistent parent-- our home, our marriage, our rules are as close to consistent as we can get them.

He is the balancer between his new wife and kids -- making sure none of us feel left out or unloved.

He is the peacemaker between households and the calmer of hearts.

He is a teacher -- pushing the littles to master bike riding without training wheels, camping without hot water and swimming without a life jacket.

Seeing my husband as a father is a sweet experience and if we ever have babies I already know how amazing he will be because he's doing it every day. Even on weeks without kids, he is 100 percent full-time.


I am so thankful for these men, this weekend and every day.
They have changed me.

And this man:

He came into my life at a young age and declared I needed glasses. I kind of disliked him for a few years because of it. But eventually I went back to his office and he hooked me up with contacts and I thought he was funny. Years later he married my mother and I've never seen her glow like she does when she is with him. He paints her toenails and gives her the love she deserves. He's been a good addition to our family. He's the best bonus dad a person could ask for and I am pretty dang proud that he is mine.


Happy Father's Day loves.
xox

Grateful

Birthdays make me nostalgic.

I can't help it, it's worse than New Years. It makes me want to make lists of things to accomplish and ways to improve myself. It also makes me want to tell EVERYONE that it's my special day, but in a less obvious way that makes me look sweet and not vain.

Thank goodness for Facebook -- I'm not sure how I pulled it off before FB told the world. Now I can bask in the glow of friends and bat my eyes at all the sweet texts that come in because, obviously everyone just remembered by themselves. Obviously.

So I am fighting the urge to title this post, "25 ways to make your year count" or something cheesy and instead I am turning toward gratefulness. Because you guys, this year is going to be something else.

My past year was filled with the best wedding in the world, a brand new marriage with a brand new baby family. We have a home with hanging flower baskets in the front and a sweet fire pit in the back yard. We are mostly drama free, sometimes sassy and always loving.

I have these gorgeous friends who send me love daily and I have a crazy job I love and a new business venture that is in it's infancy (dying to show it off but it's still getting glittered up).

So really what I am trying to say is - I have it good. I have it very good and since it's my birthday I can brag like that a little and just so you don't hate me too much for having this good life I'd like to remind you that good doesn't equal perfect. So calm down.

And we are so far from perfect over here. Sometimes we bump up against blended family life and someone gets sad because it's so dang hard some days and other days it's so maddeningly perfect that I wish blended families on everyone because there is so much love and grace and goodness going on.

But right when we think we've got it figured out, it changes on us and we have to try again to decide who we are going to be today.

The thing I love about birthdays (on facebook) is this outpouring from people you haven't talked to in years and I love it because while we may think we change so much, there is an image of us that is stuck in someones head from awhile ago. The way you interacted with them, cared for them, broke up with them, tolerated them, loved on them--- there is this image that is stuck there and I like this. I like that we have a freedom to grow up and change and turn into the people we were meant to be while others are holding onto a sliver of the us from years past.

I hope that when I am 76, Husband will still have the image of me from our wedding day and I hope that when our kiddos grow up they will remember us at our better moments and I hope too that I can remember this girl-- this 25-year-old-- who dared to take on an adventure of a lifetime with a family and settle in while not settling at all.

I hope I remember her -- I really think she's okay, in all of her random ways and maddening wishes and dreams. I think she's pretty dang okay.

I'm off to a birthday dinner and the start of kiddo week. To all of you who have been a part of my life-- I am so thankful for you.

xoxo

Peter Pan, a pirate and something to do with Hawaii

People--

I am living in a never ending party cycle over here. It's been madness. We had sister in law bridal shower (which deserves it's own blog but I've promised everyone I'd be nice through all this wedding madness so poor you won't get to hear about the grandmas, Bigfoot beliefs and home births) and then we had kid birthday after kid birthday, another bridal shower and the upcoming mother's day and my birthday (which is being postponed until like.... July).

MADNESS. But my house has had to stay in a constant state of clean (or almost clean) so that has been great and I am a birthday party LOVER. I love how exciting it is to wake up when you are just a little kid and realize you are older and this year is going to be the best EVER.

All I really have to say about this time in my life can be seen in the pictures below. I am happy and I have a very happy family. We are all a year older (well almost-- happy birthday to me on Monday) and so much has been changed in our hearts throughout these years together. Loving, loving this spring time in Idaho.

 Ryan rocked a sweet hoop earring. Glad that seventh grade rebellion still allows for the occasional dress up earring.

Avery repurposed one of my old costumes and was Peter Pan for the day. I was a ghetto pirate. It was a good time.

I got kind of carried away with the face paint and those eyebrows stayed on all day. I almost let him go to school that way but decided against it.

 

And then we had Princess Avery's party and she was a little hula girl.

She is 11 -- going on 24. It scares me.

Lovelies came to the party to celebrate. I love watching all these babies grow up.

And a few of my lovies dropped in...

I love these women.

 

And I love my sweet husband-- father to these adorable children, perfect partner for me and amazing host when it comes to celebrating in our home. I love watching him entertain the people... he's as chill and funny and hospitable as they come.

 

Sending birthday wishes of love out to the universe.

xoxo

 

Eleven

Dear Avery,

Good morning and happy birthday sweet girl! Are you really eleven today? Are you really that much closer to becoming a woman than you were a few weeks ago? We watched Peter Pan the other night and I kept kind of wishing he would show up at our windows and take us all away to Neverland before you woke up this morning.

I was so excited for your birthday last year-- to watch you mature into the beautiful girl that you are becoming is an honor. But this year the word ELEVEN seems so old. I remember eleven so well -- it feels like I was just there.

It's a weird year baby. Your body starts changing. You start to be broken open, emotionally. Things hurt more and are more beautiful all at once. You are going to think boys are kind of okay this year and you are going to think your parents are mean sometimes. Life is going to feel a little tipsy and amazing.

The coolest thing about Eleven that I remember, Avery, is the way I started to figure out who I really was -- in school, at home, with sports, my personality. I realized that I could really be whomever I wanted. But I didn't know who that was yet so I tried to copy other people sometimes. I wanted really long lashes like that girl who got all the attention from the boys at rodeo camp. I wanted to be hilariously funny like a couple of my friends and I wanted to be very good and sweet like my friend Abby. She was super creative and artsy. I wanted to be artsy too.

That is what I did with my eleven. I watched people and tried to copy the things I liked. Some things stayed and other things, well -- I forgot I even wanted those things at one point.

And I hope you realize this too. You are amazing girl. You are made up of so many people-- your giant feet belong to grandpa and your pretty legs and smart wit-- I'm guessing that is your mom shining through. You have your dad's pretty skin and lovely features and you have picked up some things from me... I see them randomly and suddenly and it always shocks me a little.

You are many things but you are becoming you.

I am so proud of the way you've adapted to our family-- it wasn't even a question of whether I should be there. You welcomed me with open arms and you made sure I was included all the time.

We love you so much. And I love hearing what your dad says about you when you aren't around-- he tells me about the ways you are silly and beautiful and perfect.

Sometimes I'll catch him looking at your old school pictures and he will say, "she is so cute," under his breath.

We think you are pretty cool, smart, sassy and one day you are going to be this compassionate, creative leader. I don't know where but I know you are going to change people's lives with your caring heart.

You are a tiny mother-- you take care of your brother in ways we don't even realize. You drop to your knees and hug dogs and animals without caring if they are hairy and dirty. You just want to love and you want people to love you.

We know love wins-- you write it everywhere. It makes me laugh sometimes when you draw it in the cupcake bowl after you've licked it clean.

I saw this today-- it reminded me of you. And our family.

Happy Birthday Ave!
xoxo

Seven

It's an awfully big number, seven.

 

 

 

He is still squishy but he's losing all that softness and turning into a gangly little boy.

 

I met him when he was four and the world revolved around playing and sunshine, his stuffed animals and family.

 

Now he can read and add numbers. He can count to 100 by 2's and he has learned how to make people laugh. He's even learned how to tease a little -- just enough to be funny, not enough to be mean.

 

He mocks me often as we sit at dinner.

"Hi huuuunnnnnnny," he will say to Ryan, batting his eyelashes.

"Goodnight sweeeeetheeearrrtttt," he will trill at us.

 

It's easy for people to love him.

 

It is easy for him to love others.

 



 

This kid has captured my heart in so many ways.

We are adventurers, Mason and I.

 

We take on the neighborhood with our bike races and we fly kites only to lose them to the wind.

Ariel kite is still hanging out on our neighbors roof. We aren't sure when she will ever come down -- don't tell on us.

 



 

Here's to a great year of seven little one.

I'm soaking in the moments for you-- because eight is right around the corner and this bonus mama isn't sure she is ready for that. You are so much like your daddy and I love the little things about you that are uniquely you. You are so special. You are so loved.

Thanks for letting me be in your life and for always making me feel welcome.

 

 

We love you squish.

xoxo

Turkeys, turn-ons and zumba

Your epitaph will begin: “She redefined what it meant to be a good woman.”

It will say: “She scaled mountains, in hiking boots and in heels. She started in her own backyard and then went all the way around the world. She accepted challenges with curiosity and determination. She emerged victorious regardless of outcome, knowing both the pleasure of success and the grace of failure. She tasted long hot days and cool still nights, at home wherever she found herself. She wasn’t always popular, but she was always true. She wasn’t always comfortable, but no one can say she didn’t enjoy her life. She explored her edges, increased her capacity, and lived as big as she could dream. Moved equally by bliss and pain, she played her heart out one moment at a time. She was dialed in. She was courageous. She was turned on.” (read the rest here)

...

Hi loves,

It's Friday and my heart is missing husband. He's been gone you know, my mighty warrior is turkey hunting in one of my favorite places in the world (Moscow!). I instructed him to go to Bucers and soak it in for me. Amazing how much you can miss a place -- I spent too much money and too much time in that gorgeous coffee shop and I haven't found an equal to it yet.

The last time we talked was when Ryan drove across the "time-change" bridge in Riggins. I always rolled down my windows and did some kind of war whoop when I drove across. Even if it was snowing. Even if it was a blizzard outside, I had to roll down those windows and let my hands touch the air as I crossed time zones. It was where I left school behind and embraced whatever new adventure was next.

"Roll down your windows," I said into the phone and I did a little squeal instead of my previous attempts at sounding like a Braveheart fighter. And then our cell service cut out and he's been out hunting like the wild at heart man that he is since then.

So I've been home alone and while it's far from lonely (girls night and sweet quiet time and sister-in-law bridal shower!) the absence of the man who has become my world is starting to get to me on day four.

This is Husker, our doggie. He is either missing Ryan or dying.... we both feel the way he looks in this picture when husband leaves us. He is really old--- so hopefully no dying on me while Ryan is gone. I can't handle stuff like that.

Which makes me start thinking about all the years I lived without hubs and how I was mostly fine but you don't realize how much you've been missing someone your whole life until you find them. I feel this way with a few of my friends too.... sometimes I will look at them and think, "God, why did I not find you last year or when I was 5-years-old?? My soul has missed you!"

I rarely say this out loud to them-- it's a little much and maybe a bit weird but I love the way people show up and fill in gaps. They smooth edges, they make you think and make you want to try something new.

I've been thinking a lot about being passionate and living a real, raw and full life. I have everything the American dream commands (except baby --- but two kiddos are filling that gap nicely) and so all that striving we do for those things is softened. Does this make sense? Obviously upkeep is always needed (gotta keep that marriage strong, the house functioning, work hard at my great job, love on our kids, stay in shape, and on and on....) but that settling down thing? I'm doing it. And it catches me by surprise sometimes.

And my heart isn't content with it. Joyful? Yes. Happy? Yes?
But this little goal- oriented girl needs dreams to keep chasing after and so I've dived into something new, amazing and funny. I can give back with it-- it's going to make some people smile really big. It's made a few of my friends laugh and my mom a little worried. I cannot wait to show you guys my new project next month. It's absurd really, this project -- but I love the idea of "exploring my edges" and "living as big as I can dream."

Yes.

Also, I've taken up Zumba.
I love it. It makes me smile so much more than running and it's kind of sexy.
Hip swaying steps of passion are fine with me for now. But I kind of look like this.... it's a disaster.

We've got two hours of this zumba fun tomorrow at a Relay for Life fundraiser. I will shake my booty for that gladly. Let me know if you want to come along.

Sending love and light your way today.

Happiest of weekends friends.
xox

Dear eight months of marriage,

Dear Eight Months of Marriage,

When you get this letter it will be after we've all  had a cup of coffee. Kids will be out the door on their way to school and Husband and I will be off to work.

You, dearest marriage, will be weaved through all of it and hovering around all of us as we go about our day. Something about the way the sun shines through a dirty car window and hits my ring or the way little boy will practice reading easy books. The books will focus on Johnny's mom but never Johnny's stepmom and he will sometimes be reminded that this marriage thing has happened but he doesn't really know any different or seem to care. He just likes coming home to a place where there is love. And Spongebob books.

Husband remembers it's been eight months of marriage the night before after he sticks me in a bubble bath due to stress. He says it's not a time out but I know better. He's even lit little candles and has wine. He is a good husband.

We've hugged and kissed over the breakfast scramble while saying "eight months" in a sing-song voice.  He'll be reminded again when he eats the lunch I pack him and my little note slips out-- the one that says "Eight months ago today I married your handsome self" or something else that is too racy to put on the blog.

Little girl keeps dates in her head like I do and she will demand that we kiss and turn on our wedding song after dinner and we'll say, "Remember Avery, the way you cried your eyes out during our ceremony?"

And she will say, "But it was just so beautiful!" with a dramatic flair that she couldn't manage the first time she said those words in the August heat.

And we will sit down to a dinner that is hastily prepared because-- well, life is goes pretty fast on kid weeks-- and we'll thank God that we have had eight months of this marriage thing and we'll pray for 8,000,000 more months.

And then we will do homework and bath time and story time.

Life gets very simple and very complicated on kid weeks, did I say that already Marriage? How fast things go?

Eventually everyone will find their spot in bed. Mine is curled up right on husband's chest and we'll be talking about you Marriage. We'll be talking about the way you heal us and break us open. We'll mention the way you change us and make us more of ourselves and more of our spouse. Your ears will be burning with the sweet things we say about you.

Eight months means we are still fresh and new. It also means we are getting closer to that one year mark. They always say the first year is the hardest and I didn't believe them. But maybe it is and I don't know it yet. Maybe after 25 years of marriage we will say, "Ah, yes the first year-- now that was something." Not because it was hard but because in 25 years we will be like breathing to the other person. We will be like morning coffee and fresh laundry and right now we are still like eating gelato on the beach and dancing barefoot on the grass in the dark.

You don't think that sound sexy right now Marriage-- being like someones morning cup of coffee but I think it sounds nice. It sounds familiar. It sounds like being needed and wanted and cozy all at one time. And we'll probably miss that time when we were Thai food at midnight to each other but I think we'll be talking about fine wines that age well in 25 years. Don't you think?

We're so glad you are with us Marriage. I've often thought about you through the years and my sweet man is thankful you got it right this time, he told me.

I'm pretty thankful you roped Family into this thing too. I mean-- Marriage, you are one thing but putting little's into the mix makes it a real time party with Family. There's a lot of love going on over here between the four of us. Family is tricky-- some days with Family is like heaven on earth. Other days-- well, you know how funny Family is at times.

Anyway, I just wanted to say thank you. I know how blessed I am to have such an amazing husband who comes home at lunch when I am sick and takes care of me in every aspect. He is really something-- it's easy to love that man more than Spain, more than life itself.

Here is to the upcoming nine, ten, eleven months and eventually we'll hit that one year mark and settle into this world we are creating.

Husband is amazing. Have I said that yet? I am the luckiest.
xox,
Amy

Let me point out that Tiffany and Mason are both making kissy faces here.... they are totally going to get married one day.